Household Logical Deductions I

(Mom from kitchen) "Where are the three pieces of cake I had kept in this plate?"

Me: We ate them.

Sis: I ate the two smaller pieces.

Me: Smaller? All were equal! Can you explain that statement of yours?

Sis: Well, you came into the room with two pieces of cake. You gave me one, which obviously had to be the smaller one. And I'm sure you would have taken the two bigger pieces of the three. So, that implies that the last piece, which I finally ate, was the smallest of all the three. Am I right?

Me: Yes, dear Holmes, you are.

A conversation

" Mom, can you believe this? They've lost Mrs. M***'s tapes!"

"What else did you expect?"

"But, come on, those police inspectors who investigated the case put in so much effort to get the evidence. How can the police lose it? This is atrocious! And why the hell are still some people supporting these fellows when there is clear evidence against them?"

"Well, I guess, money has great power."

"But still mom...this is an issue of national security. There is some thing called 'love for your country'. Well, at least I read so in my textbooks."

"Maybe some people missed reading that."

(After five minutes)
"Why don't they just shut down that dumb Consulate in C***? Did you read Mr. Tharoor's statement? That they are searching for the documents?"

" I did"

" Come on mom! How can people be like that? There were clear instructions that American citizens of Pak origin are to be given visa only after clearance. They didn't bother a wee bit about it. So we had the 26/11. Now they don't give the papers. They're not missing, they say; but they are still searching for it!!! What a dumb joke!!! Do they think that people are idiots?"

"People are."

"I guess you are right."

(After a pause, again)
"I can't help but get angry when my government spends such a lot of money on protecting criminals against whom there is clear evidence. I respect the idea of fair trial but it is my sincere belief that when there is clear evidence, the trial shouldn't take such a long time for completion. After all, justice delayed is justice denied."

"We're living on planet earth, my dear"

(After a glance at the paper)
"I think our leaders are forgetting that too. I read somewhere that Mumbai will be submerged within a century."

"One less place for terrorists to strike."

"Seriously, I don't think our government is that wrong about its stand. The West made up this mess. Now they want us to clean it up for them. What do they think we are?(pause). But then again, we too will suffer the effects of global warming and environmental degradation. It is our poor who are going to be affected. We're in this together. I declare this world grossly unfair."

"Welcome back to the real world."

Ai and Chi: The Real Story (or) Love Thy Neighbour

The story of Ai and Chi is so entangled with myths and propaganda that the Gordian knot would easily pale into insignificance beside it. As can be guessed from the title, Ai and Chi were two neighbouring countries separated by a huge mountain range. That range preserved the peace between two ancient civilizations when aviation technology was not developed. However, now the story has changed, with that very mountain range (or portions of it) becoming the bone of contention between the two.

The two ancient civilizations in their time of glory had good relations with each other. (It is always like that - rich countries have an understanding between them. It is usually when countries become poor that they become restless to have war. ) But there came a time in history when both the countries fell to foreign masters. While Ai had only one colonial power ruling it, Chi was ruled by many - so many that I fear they exceeded Chi's population at the time. Even the neighbouring island country had a portion of the pie that was Chi. Chi was, for the name's sake, ruled by a royal family.

We'll call the ruler of Ai as Bn. Bn, according to a treaty with the remaining colonial powers in Chi decided the boundary of Chi to be surrounding a region called Ti. Ti was a predominantly feudal region, lorded by a religious figure.

Then, as usual, there were freedom struggles in both the countries. Ai had a peaceful political freedom movement and a violent independence. Chi on the other hand was a pseudo-independent country. So we cannot exactly fix its independence day. However, we can consider the abolition of slavery and the establishment of a republic under the Capist group as two major turning points. There was a period of warlordism, finally followed by the establishment of a Commist regime that ruled the country with an Iron Hand. (No idea about the gloves!)

The establishment of Ai (also Pai) as an independent nation and Chi as a Commist regime were two concurrent events (well, almost so!) They were the best of friends. Ai helped Chi tremendously to gain international recognition. It is for this reason that the Aians felt cheated when Chi later declared war on them.

What happened was thus. Ti was always an independent region coming under the religious head I had mentioned earlier. Chi had never a claim over the region. But being quite close to Chi, the region shared many cultural traits with Chi. So Chi declared it had a right over it. Went and conquered it. Ai, though shocked, recognized it eventually; but it ruffled many feathers in Chi when it gave refuge to the religious head in its country.

Then came the war. Chi said that it didn't recognize the border as it was drawn without the consent of the Chians. (Which is true. The border was drawn by the foreign masters of Ai and Chi. But it makes no sense to redraw the border every now and then.) It claimed many regions coming under Ai. Aians, who had always believed in the slogan :"Ai-Chi bhai-bhai" were devastated - in war, I mean. (I guess the Chians took it to be "Ai-Chi bye bye" )

It was treachery of the worst kind, according to Ai. The Aian PM died soon after the war ended. Ai was in shock for many years and the old wounds have not healed till now. I doubt whether they will, ever. Because after the war, the Chian relations with Ai's main enemy Pai skyrocketed. Before the Ai-Chi war, Pai also had a border dispute with Chi and had asked Ai to form a united front against Chi. Ai had rejected the proposal. So much for the (dumb) politicians then!

Ai became a much more sensible country after the war. It realized the need to modernize its army, the necessity of never trusting anyone, especially and particularly its neighbours. And also the hollowness of the idea of "the solidarity of sufferers of imperialism." The Commist party in India split.(Attributed to many different reasons. This was one among them. And in case you don't know, the CDI's official stance was that it supported Chi, though many in the party opposed and even revolted against it. This continues as a black mark in its history even today.)

The border dispute continues till day. The main areas are the Asai Chin and the Aru Pra. There is an actual war going on too, between the media of the two countries. (The height of irresponsibility!) There is a tripartite Cold War between Ai, Pai and Chi. Plus an arms race. Pai and Chi have emerged as great friends. Ai and Chi have, however emerged as two major trading partners. And, as in the real world, it is always economics that dictates international relations, we can forget about a war for the time being.

Moral of the story: If you are a country, forget about loving, never even trust your neighbour!

The Balore Wars

Though everyone in Ai knew that they were actually ruled by the rich and the powerful, the politicians at least acted as if the Mangoman (a mythical fellow like Shamrock Jolnes or Santa Claus. This fellow was seen only once in five years: at the time of elections.) controlled them. "Whatever they did, it was for the Mangoman. They thought only of him. They worshipped him; would lay down their lives for him."

All this was, however until the Balore wars, which turned out to be a turning point in the history of Ai. The Balore war marked the beginning of naked, shameless display of the power of money in the politics(till then, at least they wore bikinis!). It showed the people what the politicians would have to bear if they turned out to be a wee bit more scrupulous than the Lucifer(I guess Lucifer will now file for defamation!)

Balore was the capital city of Kan. Kan had its name changed once, and Balore too, had its name changed from Balore to Baloru as soon as Yapa was elected as the CM of Kan. Yapa had a lady, Sho as his confidante and she, as is usual is the case with pet ministers, was interfering in the work of all other ministries. Yapa belonged to the XYZ party. It was helped to attain powerby the Rotty brothers, two warlords in Bary. They poured in so much money in the elections that Ganga considered her reputation as the 'Giver of Wealth' gone with the wind that blew. She considered linking with other rivers to put up a united front against all these. After all, the rivers had to bear all the sins of these fellows. They were becoming so polluted nowadays, that instead of being purified, a man was sure to roast in hell if he took a bath in one of the rivers of Ai.

To Rotty brothers, however had not done all this for displacing Ganga. They had understood, like our old Godfather Corleone that political power is equivalent to ten regimes. (The Ambani brothers know this too, though they don't have regimes. And the elder one knows better! ) They were rich and powerful and unlike Ambani brothers, did not fight among themselves. They were as close to each other as Ram and Lakshman were, like Krishna and Balram were but unhappily lacked most of the good qualities of all of the above mentioned rulers and couldn't prevent Lord Indra from pouring out his wrath on the people of Kan. (To be fair, nor was Yapa able to do it. But this is Kaliyuga. Even the holy RXX feels it.)

So Kan was flooded, and the Rotty brothers alleged that it was because of the actions of Yapa and Sho that Lord Indra was angry. They wanted Yapa removed.

Yapa was a fool.(Forgive me for this outburst, but I'll tell you why.) Nobody in his right senses (I wonder whether it was because a politician that he hadn't the 'right' senses!) would go for such an all-out attack on his chief benefactor, his chief patron without considering all options. History is a mute spectator to the debacles of Sangma, Heptuallah, Pawar etc, etc. In these cases, no money was involved; even then the downfalls were spectacular, to say the least. Here, the Mammon was involved too, and so the bets were incredibly against Yapa.

My dear readers let me advice you thus: If you are a politician, and you are in power, never move against those with whom Mammon is pleased. Otherwise you'll have to share the fate of Job.

Power and honesty were never bedfellows. Nor will they be, ever.

The people thought that their CM had gone mad when he said he would tax the Rotty bros and tried to rein in the officials of the Bary district.

What could the Rotty bros do? And oh! what did they do? They struck back with such a vengeance than Medusa would have thought of changing her hairstyle for something better, in case she were living. They laid mines on all the highways the CM was expected to travel.

And what could the CM do? He cried, he wailed for the leadership to help him. But neither the national leaders of XYZ(there were far too many of them. I fear they exceed the population of Gods in India.), nor the RXX, nor his own supporters, not even his community could save him. You see, mines evoke fear in the minds. And Mammon rules the weak!

A thunderbolt, far more damaging than that of Indra, had struck Yapa - that of fate, that of the Rotty brothers!

Now, the XYZ had a famous lady doc, Sush Swa, who was close to the Rotty bros. She had suspected from the beginning that Yapa was actually under some spell cast by Sho. Or else how could a politician have the craziness to be honest in Ai. She fixed some appointments with him and brought in the Rotty brothers as well. Within a week, the war ended with all of them shaking their hands. Sho was removed. Yapa cried. For what, we do not know. Rotty bros were given back the control of Bary. The taxes were withdrawn. They declared victory. There were many small episodes of fierce battles, but they do not matter now.

The whole thing reminds me of Bollywood movies. But alas, this one reads more like one of Chanakya's conquests than Panchatantra.

Yapa and the people learnt the following lessons from this episode:

Politicians are never honest. They can never afford to be so.

Sometimes family dynasties are good. Especially, if you have a Rotty against you - whether it is one of the bros or a son.

You can fight the power of Mammon only if your forefathers were intelligent enough to leave you a legacy of being the unquestioned rulers of the country. Otherwise, you stand no chance.

Never fight against anything openly - neither the Holy Cows nor the Mammon if you want to retain your chair.


And above all,

"Anywhere in the Universe, though political power is derived from the plebeians; in the end, it is the power, and it is only the power, that matters. The concerns of the subjects are always secondary to the pursuit of the power; it doesn't matter if thunder strikes them or typhoons swallow them. The only thing that guides and should guide a politician is the lust for power."

Mangoman smiled at me now.

(Coming up next: "Ai and Chi: The Real Story" or "Love Thy Neighbour")

Structure of the (mis)government: Ai

Ai was a (namesake) republic. The President was usually called a rubber-stamp. His/her favourite pastimes included gardening, visiting other countries, jumping out of security cauldrons to make news the next day and occasionally sending back bills. Presidents were usually men, and there was a huge jubilation when a woman was made the rubber stamp.(It seems everyone was tired of seeing men being made rubber stamps. According to popular notions, women make better rubber stamps than men.)

Oooh! I forgot that the President had to help the illiterate members of the government read something known as 'oath of secrecy' and 'oath of office'. Now, this could actually be taken in any language, but people usually preferred languages they couldn't understand - so that they'd not have to bear the prick of the conscience (I do not know what the last word actually means: never met a politician wearing that flower.). in case they couldn't keep their oath (which was usually the case).

Ai had a Parliament too, with two houses - one was for the elders: you had to be 90 to qualify. Exceptions were made if you were suffering from the diseases afflicting people belonging to the age group mentioned above. Then there was a 'lower' house. You had to be a criminal or a crorepati (The members of the latter usually belong to the former category) to enter it.

The party with majority in the lower house formed the Cabinet which had a Prime Minister. The PM, as a rule was a highly educated person(to keep up appearances). The ministers were usually goons with a sprinkling of good persons (just like salt: shouldn't be too much).

The members were elected through elections. Now half the population did not know how to read and write and so never voted. Out of the remaining half, about 50% voted if they could find time for that. So the members could be said to be elected by popular vote.

Ai was divided into 25 or 28 or 30-something states and Union Territories which kept changing their names wreaking havoc with Geography textbooks. When they couldn't change their names, they changed the names of their capital cities into something unpronounceable. In case someone opposed this favourite pastime of the state legislatures, goons' associations would force them to apologize. The people were so entertained by all these that their film industry began to suffer.

(Watch out now for the next post: Balore wars)

A country called Ai

(This is a novel about the destiny of a country called Ai, which was born with grand hopes for the future and grand ambitions. Though it fulfilled many, it failed in a lot too)

Once upon a time, there was a country named Ai. Ai was a developing country with lots of people of many religions, languages, superstitions and political parties. There were two national parties (their EC said there were more; but actually there were only two): ABC and XYZ. There was CDI too, but they can be ignored.

ABC was headed by Lady San, the widow of the former Pres, Sir Ran. Sir Ran's family had ruled the country almost since independence with one or two commercial breaks in between to reduce monotony.

XYZ was a headless party (you know what I mean) whose state leaders had no national appeal and national leaders too had no national appeal - that is, no appeal anywhere in the nation. This was supposed to be controlled by a religious body called RXX, whose main aim was to build a U-no-vat at a place called U-no-vere. This was strongly opposed by the largest minority, Mi. Also, RXX and its other outfits wanted to bring in some rather arcane laws, like deciding what the citizens of Ai should eat, what they(esp, the women of some states) should wear and so on.

The Mi had an uncountable number of organizations, which from time to time issued so many bizarre orders to its followers that many people went crazy reading about them. In fact, it can be said that there was a competition for issuing the most bizarre order between RXX and its outfits on one hand and the Mi organizations on the other. Thankfully the citizens of Ai were intelligent, though not literate(I sometimes wonder whether intelligence and literacy are mutually exclusive. Just look at the re-election of the last U.S President). And so, whenever XYZ was elected to form the government, just like us, it had to form coalitions which meant it could not pass bizarre orders at the behest of RXX.

Oops! All this reads like the description of scenery in some books in which the actual story is buried so deep inside verbose descriptions of all other things in the novel except the actual story that finally the reader has to give up and wait for a review of the book or google out one to actually know what happens(hoping that at least the critic would have had the patience to read it.)

(To be continued in the next post)

Peace and death

No one seems to agree that death is peace. Death, in my opinion, is the ultimate peace. You have no worries anymore, no bad feelings to hide, no more false pretensions - you cease to exist. Though that sounds like bliss, we are afraid of death (that includes me too). The only person genuinely unafraid of death I have ever seen is my mom. I still remember the scene when she was taken to the operation theater after having a brain haemorrhage. She was damn cool, smiling at me while I could hear my heart pounding against my chest and tears rolling down my cheeks. The surgeon had told her that she stood a good chance of not coming out of that room alive - yet she was unafraid. That is true bravery - you are unafraid to meet your Maker. That takes real guts.

Thanks to the surgeons and the hospital staff, I got my mom back. My only regret about the whole thing is that I couldn't meet the surgeons who carried out the operation. I'd love to tell them how grateful I am to them - for giving me back the most wonderful, the bravest person I have met on this earth.

And of course, to God for the great favours He keeps on giving me in spite of my inherent wickedness! ;-)

Dead people are generally considered lucky as they have escaped most of the responsibilities waiting for them. This is especially true for young men and women who die. I don't know how true that is, however. This world, though not exactly heaven, is a great place to live in. It is like a blank book God has given us to write our story in. In most cases, you get to write whatever you want to. It is a great game. In fact, it is the Game.

Suicides are altogether another matter. I have still not understood why people commit suicide. There still remains life no matter how deep you have let yourself sink. You can always redeem yourself. All that it takes is courage - moral courage and not the physical courage. In fact that kind of courage is the difference between the truly great and the rest.

P.S: There is a great discussion on whether suicides are to be decriminalised. In my opinion, a person who is driven to commit suicide will already be in the depths of desperation. What such a person needs is someone to tell him that life is not about running away but fighting till the last breath. Putting such a person in the prison is actually a crime against humanity. Such persons should undergo counselling. All help must be provided to bring such persons back to life. For, we do not know, what he/she may actually turn out to be if reformed.

Death is peace alright, but a rather eerie one. I prefer a war to it - and a grand one at that.

Life is war

Dreams of mine have left me
To the darkness in my soul
Never have I found peace
Restless I've been, for years
Since my birth I searched around
For that elusive illusion
Of peace; but never found it
I feel now that it is a mirage
Peace can never be
For struggle is life
Every movement of life
Is a struggle; though we aim at peace
Life draws life into the vortex
Of a never ending struggle
Believing peace is at the end
But never reaches it
Peace is just an illusion, a mirage
For peace is death
And life is war

Random incoherence

I'm the laziest student at the Academy - this is what my friends there feel about me. I'm the quintessential backbencher there. Vanishing into thin air when a Professor whom I do not like comes to take class has become a hobby of mine. I sit near the door, just in case...

Then comes the issue of my notes. I've got the full notes of the subjects I like most. Sociology, my first option, is my favourite. I can't help marveling at the subject - so comprehensive, so vague, so logical and still so dumb at the same time. Maybe that is because it is the study of the man and the society.

The funniest part of it is when we study about the psychologists' views on man - specifically Sigmund Freud. Loved the guy - never knew we were all so 'perverted'. Well, pervert is a wrong usage - you can't blame fellows for the chemical reactions in their brains, right?

I've got an agreement with one of my classmates, who has Sociology as her second option. At the end of this course, she'll give me notes of all the classes I bunked, and I'll give her my Sociology notes. Now that is what 'social contract' actually means. Ending 'the condition of despair' to enjoy the fruits of life.

Read recently somewhere that the most confusing fact about man is that this warlike species, doubtful of anything and everything under the sun, came to trust their own members to create what we know as societies. Everyday we trust others to fulfill our needs. Talk about the giant leap of trust!

What an incoherent post! Still, this is the way I think. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow. Listen to what your inner self says unto you - to find that elusive inner peace we've been searching for centuries.

Life is funny

For the past two days I have read news headlines about some 'waves', got two or three e-mails requesting me to send the senders an invite if I am on the wave. And I was wondering what was wrong with the world. A U.S President gets a Nobel Prize just a few months after swearing in, the lit prize goes to someone totally unheard of. And people are talking about 'waves' instead of serious issues.

It was only today that I read about the 'wave' in detail. And I'm dying for an invite now. It is cool - to have conversations. for collaboration and doing any group-work in the world. Kudos to Google for thinking such a thing up. Now that I think of it, I just wonder why people had taken such a long time to hit upon this idea!

P.S: If you have received an invite, please send me one too!

Smoking life away

I have finally decided to get fit for the umpteenth time. However, unlike previous times, this was MY decision, which probably means that I am going to lose weight. I walk five kilometers everyday now and it feels really good. I really feel free - some kind of happiness I have never felt over the years and there is a huge bonus too - most of my old favourites are getting back into the wardrobe from the almirah I used to dump them in when they grew too small for me. In fact it feels like heaven.

The only problem I face is this - every day I walk, I find more people smoking in public places. And I'll bet that the number is increasing, and increasing rapidly. Thankfully, smoking in public is not back to the level of the pre-ban days. Still it can be easily verified that people have started ignoring the law, even if it is only a small minority of them.

Educating the masses is not really a great way to stop the people from smoking. It is addictive. Once you get the habit, it is difficult to kick the habit. You cannot ask the addicts to quit smoking simply because it 'kills' them. The people have tougher hides now and it would require a diamond blade to make a scratch on those! If all people behaved perfectly rationally, this planet would be having a different name. A lot of my classmates smoked, knowing well the ill-effects of smoking. It is the danger that accompanies the cigarette and the tobacco that makes it more alluring to people. And ours is the most insane species nature ever produced. Our name should've been Homo Eccentrica or something like that.

So smokers will not easily quit. The best thing we can now do is to politely tell the people who smoke in public places: "My dear sir, I appreciate that you have chosen to commit suicide and I, as a fellow being, fully agree that a person such as you who chose bravely not to understand commonsense, deserves an early death, as you will soon know; but I request you not to harm other fellow beings who are doing no harm to you (and that includes me.)"


How will that be?

About Manusmriti

I had bought a copy of Manusmriti from a second hand book dealer at Pattom. Thought it would be nice to read what the fuss is all about. This book has got a very 'good' reputation in India. Routinely ridiculed and defended, it is one of the most quoted books when it comes to discrimination against women and the oppressed classes.

The book, I found, after reading a few verses, was quite boring. It essentially emphasized on the supremacy of Brahmins. Then there are a lot of do's and don'ts - most of them alright, quite a few humorous and some of them really outrageous. One of the odd ones:

"A King is as sinful as a butcher who owns 10,000 butcher shops. One should not accept anything from a king who is not right."(Ahem!)

This one really takes the cake:

"One should not look at one's wife while she eats."

And another one:

"One should never beat anyone other than one's own son or disciple." (What about daughters?)

Of course, everyone knows the more famous ones.
W
The important point to note is, this book has enough good points about it too. While disparaging the book, many people forget this fact. One should take into account the good things about anything too.

In fact, I would love to read about what the Indian society was like, before Manu wrote this book. Was one's caste really decided at birth? Or was it acquired? Did woman really have a higher status in the country at any point of time? If so, what caused it? How did some women come to be educated in open defiance of Manu's instructions?

And how did Manusmriti and caste system stand the test of time for so long?

Nightmares

I am having nightmares in my sleep for the past two weeks. Terrible ones. The first one was a long story of three ghosts trying to kill my sis and me. This came in about three episodes. That was pretty exciting though I remember only parts of the show. Then my brain decided to change the channels. Right now, I watch an unknown force trying to kill a powerful lady. I am in danger,too. I have got psychic powers to tell the lady when she might be in danger. So, the lady, (I never knew such a person in real life) never lets me get out of her sight though we both are not really great chums. I play a scum character in this nightmare. In the last episode, that unknown force was following me after I had ditched the lady and was running for my life. I have no idea how this is going to end.

I found the following facts to be very interesting:
1. I think perfectly logically, almost cold-bloodedly in the dream.
2. Unlike my other nightmares, this force (and the ghosts, too) could be fooled.

Can anyone tell me why on earth I am having dreams which are episodic in nature? I don't believe in the warning crap, and would be obliged if someone can give me a rational explanation.

Nothing to do.

Days like these are characterised by an indescribable sadness that threatens to overflow my heart and drag me down to the depths of an unfathomable trench of depression. Not that I have ever sunk that deep but the threat is sometimes quite enough to pull me out of my characteristic inertia into life back again. The biggest fear in my life is that I may run out of aims. Not that I may burn out. I may get bruised, broken, but hey, what else is life for, other than falling down, getting wounded, but getting up still and keep treading on the path which you have chosen. The greatest feeling in the world is the one you have while you are working hard to attain your aim. Not even the joy you have when you succeed can match it. This is because, life suddenly feels empty once you have achieved what you have wanted. Unless you settle some other goal for yourself. Isn't it?

Whom are they fooling?

The austerity drive of the Congress is the worst gimmick in the entire political history of the country. Anyone can see through it. Do the fellows who wrote the script for this dumb drama think that we are as dumb as they are? So Mrs. G flew in cattle class and the young Prince went by train. Did anyone bother to find out what that might have actually cost the poor taxpayer?

Mr. Tharoor's comments provided some comic relief, finally. But instead of taking it in the right sense, the sycophants' association goes crazy thinking that poor Mr. T had referred to Mrs. G and the young Prince. Only the PM showed some sense. Dear PM, I request you to ask your ministers to buy a dictionary each. Don't worry about austerity. You can get a good dictionary for less than five hundred rupees; and it will save your ministers a lot of time - they wouldn't have to comment on jokes.

Mrs. G and dear Prince, if you want to retain the young India with you, don't touch Tharoor.

Earthquake in the city

I was lying in my bed, resting after a really tiring day, when the bed suddenly started shaking. I jumped out of it. There was a heavy downpour outside and I thought that it might have been a really heavy lightning. Though that was odd, I didn't give much thought to it till all the FM stations started declaring that we had an earthquake in the city. As far as I read, it seems the entire city was affected. The radio stations are advising people not to panic. They are also telling the listeners what to do in case the condition gets really serious. Guess I will have to be really careful in the coming days.

Ratings

The broadcast industry is going to regulate itself - all programmes, including the ads shown in between are to be rated U, U/A and A. I believe all news shows are going to be A by default. Ditto for all the serials. Only the family welfare ministry's ads are going to get U certification. But who watches them? This is just a ploy to grab eyeballs by granting A certificate to all programmes and a roundabout way to get social acceptance for all the bitchy programmes in the teevee.

Where's the remote?

Has anybody ever checked out the 'Most Popular' section of Yahoo! India. At least 25% of the content is a month old. I am tired of still seeing the Rakhi Sawant swayamwar, Madonna's waking up etc in that page for the umpteenth time. I can't bring myself to believe that we are still reading those things. All other sites are religiously updated. This is really atrocious! Who's in charge of that page?

Congratulations to the Indian cricket team for making it to the top finally. I will worship all the team members religiously till we lose the next match. Then I'll throw banana peels at you.

Also congratulations to Vijender Singh and Pankaj Advani! Good to see some good news from sports other than the obvious one.

The most comical comment I've heard recently: 'Italians want to be like me'

No points for guessing who said it. Still, the guy remains popular!!! No wonder Obelix said:

ils sont fous, ces romains!

(They are mad, those Romans!)

And in a lighter vein

I am feeling terrible after writing three posts on really serious topics. Maybe being vegan makes you intellectual.

Yesterday I ate fish again after a long break. So feeling really happy now. (The Omega-3 fatty acid in small fishes triggers neural centres to make the eater happy, according to some research. Bah!)

Om Prakash and Rajesh, two goondas somehow involved in the Paul M George murder case have surrendered and have been remanded. Now, this fellow Om Prakash is a really handsome guy and the newspapers can't ever get enough of his photos. Last year, the same thing happened when Sabarinath, a grafter was caught. (Take the American meaning!) He looked more like a scientist than a swindler and we were treated daily to his photos.

Rajesh has the real look of a goon and so we don't see his photos much. That's sad. He should file a case against the media for discrimination.

A lady goonda (what an oxymoron!) Shobha John, merely on account of being not beautiful enough and being too shrewd has been dumped by them.The actual face of Thatha (not her actual name), a trafficker in women was not shown even once. And you talk about equality of women. This cruel, cruel world!

Amen to male chauvinism! Amen to the great Indian patriarchy!

Thought I'd stop there, but there was a really interesting article about an Innova car getting a fancy number for an abysmally small amount at an auction. Now there was also a report about a private Innova car receiving police protection as it followed a minister's car. And I am a tube light.

When the Unique ID mission really starts working (I see nothing else other than news reports and occasional intervies with Mr. NN to remind me of its existence) and if I have enough dough in my hands, will I be able to buy the number I like? Or is it going to be like the scratch coupon where you have to scratch out a shining metallic coat with a fifty paise coin of 2.0 cm diameter to get my number?

Mera number kab aayega?

Austerity (Akbar vs Auragzeb) and global warming

From now on, the Cabinet ministers will shun five star hotels, travel economy class, eat only chappati and dal, wear khadi clothes they themselves spun and will live in huts. With their Z+ security. That means we won't get budget hotel rooms to stay in anymore (Security of the ministers), no air tickets, inflation goes up and huts will become the latest fashion statement. Come on, Mr. Prime Minister, we are not bothered about any of these things. I don't care whether you stay in Taj or Ritz, I wouldn't even bother if you chartered a plane for each one of your ministers. As long as you do your work. We Indians are quite tolerant of these excesses. Remember Akbar. He had quite lavish a life, yet is called Akbar the Great whereas the poor Aurangzeb who lived on the money he earned by spinning clothes comes nowhere near. He is the villain of Indian history. Learn from history, dear fellows! We prefer an Akbar to an Aurangzeb any day. At least a vast majority of us.

Something more about politics. Japan is going to have a new Prime Minister, Mr. Yukio Hatoyama. He belongs to the Democratic Party of Japan, which will come into power in the later half of this month. His party beat the Liberal Democrats which had been ruling the country for an astounding 54 years. The PM-elect promises to cut Japan's greenhouse gas emissions by 25 per cent by around 2020 from 1990 levels.

What is our government doing? Global warming and greenhouse gases are not problems that are going to affect the people who created them alone. The entire humanity is at stake. Why does Indian and Chinese governments make such a hell of a noise when we are asked to cut down emissions. Yes, it is true that we have low per capita emission but our contribution in destroying this rock we call home in galactic parlance is becoming too significant to be ignored. India contributes about 5% of the global greenhouse emissions, according to the data compiled in 1994. We have come a long way since then. So our contribution naturally should be quite larger than the original 5% now. We need to be careful now.

The global warming is not going to spare India out of sheer benevolence. We are going to be affected too, most probably more than many other countries as we have a large section of our population who are so poor that they can't afford two square meals a day. A majority of the population work in agriculture and related industries. And global warming is going to hit farming very, very hard. Our food production is going to go down but the population will increase (unless the Centre takes a cue from the TN government and gives everyone TVs. ;-) ). And in spite of the fact that agriculture is now becoming a backup engine for the economy (Services:54%, industrial:29% and agriculture:17%) we will go down without a fight if the farming sector is hit too hard.

So what do we do? The thing is we are starting industries anyway and most of them, for the sake of reducing the initial investment required, go for outdated (read more polluting) technology than the new (read less polluting). We need our government to take steps to ensure that the entrepreneurs and the industrialists find the latter more profitable than the former. Companies like Suzlon must be promoted by giving them more incentives. The government after all has a duty to its citizens - if not anything else, we must at least have clean air to breathe and tolerably clean water to drink. Legislation for placing the industries under a tighter rein will have to brought in some day. The outdated factories will have to be scrapped then. So why not build them to be more efficient and less polluting, even if it costs a little more dough in the beginning?

We will have to make amends one day. Why not start doing it right away so that the transition will be less of a problem for everyone? It will pay rich dividends in the long run. China is already taking steps to curb its pollution level. We will have a real advantage in the long run if we start now. Our emissions are only a quarter of China's.

We will be doing our poor brethren a favour. It is common knowledge that the poor in India are subsidising the emissions of the upper and the middle classes. We owe it to the nation and its people.

Of hotel suites and food crises

Mr. S.M.Krishna and Mr. Tharoor, both from the MEA were asked to vacate their five star suites. While Mr. Tharoor claims to have paid the bill from his own pocket, we have no such comment from Mr. Krishna.

I do not bother whether they stay in five star suites or in the guest houses. At the rate at which Chinese influence is growing, I don't think they will be ministers for long. I hope I will see one really good external affairs minister before I die. This is one of my greatest wishes: India puts someone with a real idea of how the things are in the MEA.

Our dear old Prime Minister says we need not worry about the food crisis - we have plenty of food in the FCI godowns. Yes, we have thousands of tonnes of rotting rice and wheat grains in the godowns. But of what use that is, when the poor do not have enough money to buy the food? Hunger in India is now not due to scarcity of food - it is due to abject poverty of a vast section of people. The prices of food items have shot up meteorically in the past couple of months. What is the government doing? Other than banning export of some food items according to its whims and fancies, nothing has been done. Or I have been sleeping. I just wish we had a general election every four years. Or the right to recall the elected representatives.

I wouldn't blame the Ministry of Agriculture. It is doing a lot of work, at least in paper. Their plans read more like a kindergarten student's daydreams than anything that can be realised. Unless farmers are made aware of the schemes that benefit them, unless they are given the freedom to decide the crop they want to cultivate in their land, we cannot hope to maintain our buffer stocks forever. The FCI is not an Akshayapathra. Nor are our farmers magicians who can pull rabbits out of empty hats.

Meanwhile, lobbying for the post of AP Chief Minister continues. After seeing the rest of the contenders, I am finding it quite tempting to support the son's cause. Ah! That my country has reached this state!

The latest from the saga of RSS-BJP love story:

VHP has finally realised that the BJP leader Mr. L.K. Advani used the Ram Mandir issue for his political gain. (Did this jagaran come out of chinthan and manthan after the election?) This thunderbolt of a realisation belongs to the same category as the one someone named Siddhartha had some millenia ago. Now we need an emperor to sponsor a stupa to mark the spot where the VHP attained this knowledge. Unfortunately, Mayawati is no longer allied with BJP. Otherwise, she could have easily built one along with her statues.

Now Mr. Singhal, how about contacting Mr. Modi?

A boring life

My life is progressing from being boring to being mega boring. There is no news worth reading in the newspapers. They are becoming so predictable that I can predict the news for the next week. I have stopped watching TV as I find that daydreaming is a more interesting option.

And thanks to the zoology professor at the academy, I am developing a small aversion to meat. Thankfully, he doesn't talk much about fish; I do not know how I will ever live without it. I will have to start thinking about bunking the zoology classes. Otherwise, I stand the huge risk of losing my 'personality'.

Well, in spite of all the opinions I have expressed till now, I find some interesting news articles like:

As usual, we are keeping quiet though China is grabbing our land. (I don't understand why China has to do this. Reminds me of the biblical tale of David and Bethsheba.) Mr. Krishna has even said that Sino-Indian border is among the most peaceful borders in the world. Yeah, we'll sleep on that. For now. Till another Kargil-like scenario comes up. But if it is going to be against China, you know which side to bet on, right?

Then there is the great Indian family drama about finding the successor to YSR. The way in which the MLAs finally turned up to retake their oaths as ministers was hilarious. I do not know how everything is going to turn out. Truth, as Mark Twain said, is more of a stranger than fiction. In the same way, Andhra politics is stranger than Hindi serials. (Heard Ramalinga Raju had a cardiac arrest. Why?)

Another case of faking of 'encounter death' from Gujrat. I have now decided to put no limit to my imagination when it comes to 'How atrocious police can be?' They kill innocent human beings for getting promotion, huh? These fellows ought to be shot at sight.

Our dear old Prime Minister has suddenly found out to his shock that the rate of conviction in cases of atrocities against SCs and STs is abysmally low. It seems that I read more newspaper articles than him about the matter.

About BJP. I do not know where to begin. It now looks like a China shop run over by a very very active bull. First it was Advani, then came Jaswant Singh with many small volcanic eruptions in between. The Vasundhara Raje episode makes particularly fascinating reading. Somebody ought to make a serial or a movie out of it. (Writing a book and getting it banned by a state government too is a good idea.) I forget who the current player is.

But the most comical of all is the investigation of the Paul M George murder case by the Kerala police. Someone has already started making a movie on it. You should read the actual newspaper reports to see how hilariously bizzare the investigation is. The latest episode was the revelation of a blacksmith that the murder weapon seized from the house of one of the suspects in the case was made by him at the behest of a Police officer. When asked to comment on it, someone from the department said that such tricks were routine as the murderers often destroy the weapons used!

I find that life is not so boring, after all!

G.P of death

It was a tragic news I found on the net after abstaining from it for a day: YSR's chopper had crashed. I believe that he was a great politician (when compared to the rest) who did a lot of good things for the poor in Andhra. In fact I was glad that the number of suicides in the Telengana region was coming down finally. The newspaper reports, though quite rare, made heart-wrenching stories. So YSR's death was, for me, a tragedy.

Still, looking at the newspaper reports now, "124 people die due to YSR's death", I feel quite ashamed. The newspapers are going quite overboard. And they have the nerve to report such absurdities too!

And then there is the succession battle. I personally feel that his son should not be made the CM. He should prove himself at first. This politics of dynasties is wearing my patience away(though I never understand why others are not getting tired of it!)

Lies, damned lies and ....

So Mr. Advani, our former Home Minister says he knew nothing about the release of the terrorists till he found out from the newspapers? I'll need all the salt in the world to gulp that down. Does he think that all the 108 crore Indians are asses? That we have no commonsense? For God's sake, he was the Home Minister then - a minister who was the second-in-command in the Cabinet! How could anyone release the terrorists without his consent? This shows him in very bad light. Either he should confess that he has lied or consult a physician for curing his amnesia.

It is not Mr. Advani alone who is making really confusing statements. Mr. Santaram, a nuclear scientist stated that our Pokhran experiment was not so successful; a statement that has since been rubbished by the rest of the nuke establishment. Now it would be interesting to see who is right. However, I doubt if they will release the documents regarding the experiment.

The next story that made the most amusing reading was the one about a 'love-affair' between late Benazir Bhutto and Imran Khan. Vehemently denied by all sides, this story still captured my imagination. Both look dashing, are brave and beautiful/handsome and life would have been more interesting if they had married. I personally have no great opinion of Sardari or the 'Government' of Pakistan. Everyone knows that it is actually the military that holds the reigns there. Who is bothered whether it is a Bhutto or a Sardari or a Khan or anyone who wears the puppet crown there?

The 'Khan frisk' issue refuses to die out with the actor threatening to frisk a particular lady when she comes to India. My dear fellow, the fellows at the airport authority only wanted some revenge for the over-emotional acting you do. At times I have really wanted to kill the directors who made these movies - which break into a song-and-dance sequence in the most inexplicable situations. I demand that all the actors of these movies be frisked at all the airports - foreign and Indian; and that all the directors who make such movies be handed over to the Salwa Judum till they start making sensible movies.

A better move might be banning the songs, now that we are planning to ban reality-shows, books and all the stuff you can possibly ban. After that you can ban the elections, ask women to wear veils and stay at home. Then you can pass laws to whiplash anyone who doesn't subscribe to your view of morality. You can also ban appeals - so that we end up like some of the nations in the Middle East.

Of all the people I do not like, the worst are those who think that great infrastructure can make up for the loss of individual freedom. I don't care whether I live in a jungle - as long as I am free to do what I want.

There is nothing more glorious than a free bird soaring high.

Life as a 'swine flu' patient

My troubles started a week ago. To cut a long story short, I was rather lax about my companions in the bus (I didn't have much choice), my food and my habits in general and so developed all the symptoms they give in the newspaper ads regarding swine flu. Now, I should have been more careful, but I thought that it was only my tonsils giving trouble again. I rushed to the clinic I usually visit, and they told me that they didn't treat patients suffering from fever. I told them that I only had a sore throat. My fever was too mild then; I didn't even feel it. The nurse there checked and told me that I had fever; a mild one though: 99.4 F. I was scared I would be turned out. Luckily, I wasn't. The doctor whom I was asked to consult was not my usual doctor. The old one is a lady in the real sense of the word and she used to explain to me, every time, what my disease was, and what medicines I should take, and why I should take them. She was quite busy then and that was the reason why I was sent to this other doctor.

Now, this new doc seemed more worried than me about my disease. I tried to convince her that it was only my tonsillitis creating trouble again - I am supposed to avoid all cold food, but I generally believe that exceptions were the rule for me with regards to this advice. She checked my pressure and noted it to be 80/100. The pulse was normal. But the pressure reading sent a chill into my heart. My cousin had died only a few weeks back due to a cardiac arrest preceded by a low pressure condition. My dad's cousin too had died rather inexplicably, but now we have come to the conclusion that it was the result of lung infection. Anyway, this situation was rather annoying - I wasn't feeling really that sick - no dizzy head and I was thinking pretty logically all the time. I was sure that the doctor had made a spelling mistake but I did not ask her - she seemed so worried when I told her that my stomach had been upset for the past two days and that I was recovering form it. Finally she gave me the prescription I wanted - an antibiotic, the usual Vitamin B Complex capsules and a new one - an iodine solution for gargling.

Gargling with the iodine solution was a novel experience, to say the least. I was asked to make a 1:1 mixture of the iodine solution with water. I found this solution to be a rather alarming violetish brown colour and adding water didn't improve its appearance much. Besides,as my sis remarked: It smelt like toilet lotion. To pour it in my mouth was a bit disgusting but I did it.

Well, the condition of my throat began to improve. I began to eat 'normal' food as I was to eat the dreaded antibiotic. I was surviving purely on ORS for the past two days.

The antibiotic was one of a kind - eat one and you'll find yourself too weak to move out of the bed for two days. The course ends only today and I still cannot keep my eyelids open.

I made mom and dad buy bread, oranges and all the 'healthy' foodstuffs that doctors normally recommend - and stayed away from my normal diet. (I won't give you the particulars but I assure you that mom strongly disapproves of it.)

That evening my aunt called and mom told her the particulars of my disease. My aunt got worried. Seems a person nearby had died after having the same symptoms as I had. She got so worked up that my parents decided to take a second opinion. I agreed. I was rather worried about the 100 part of my BP reading.

This time I was taken to a hospital - as soon as dad told the lady at the reception counter that I had fever and sore throat, she rushed me into the Casualty. All the people there were wearing the famous N95 masks and looking at me with such pity that I almost read my obituary in my mind. At first my BP was checked. Then the doc asked me about my symptoms. Then they grew a bit more worried and they checked my BP for the second time. This time, I got really worried. Why the hell were they checking my BP for the second time? I showed them the earlier prescription. The doc nodded approvingly and asked me to complete the course. She gave an additional prescription for two more medicines - one for cold and the other for fever. I was back home after the doc told me to rest for two days and get admitted in the General Hospital if the condition worsened. That was the laughable part; I knew of the opinion the General Hospital has in the minds of my parents. Mind you, it is not because of the incompetency of the doctors, it is only that the institution is too crowded given our burgeoning population and the disinterest of the government in improving the basic facilities.

The doctors in public hospitals suffer a lot - the government and the public expect too much of them - they are made to suffer when people suffer, but their salaries are well below par. It is a pretty pathetic situation for them.

Two days later I found from the newspaper that the antibiotic I was taking was the one to be prescribed for people with mild swine flu.

I had no problems during daytime, but I was really scared during night. I knew that this disease - I had heard too many stories about it, and I knew that none of them was an exaggeration - was a really unpredictable one. I slept with my mobile phone in the bed - just in case I couldn't cry out if the condition became really serious and allotted the speed dials. I knew that I had trouble in breathing. My sis had recorded the sound I made while breathing - a moaning, wailing type of sound. One night when my mom slept in my room to make sure I was alright, she used to wake me after every few hours to ask me why I was wailing - she was pretty scared too.

Thankfully, I have a great love for life and God is kind enough to me; though I do not know how to thank Him for being so gracious to such a wicked person that I am. I took my medicines in time without complaint, gargled with that iodine solution (my throat pricked a lot after that) and ate the food that was given without a murmur. (If I had been in the position of my mom, I'd have remarked that I was a far better girl when I was sick than when I was healthy.) So now I am, quite cheerful after a week of the wicked flu, suffering from a minor cough and a cold, barred from going out lest I infect others or worsen my own condition.

I was sort of a VIP all these days. I got all I wanted and save the scolding I received from mom whenever she found me reading Sherlock Holmes for the umpteenth time, I have nothing to complain about. I am really grateful to the doctors who treated me, my parents and my sis who cared for me, my relatives and friends who inquired after me everyday and above all to the God Almighty who saves me whenever I am in trouble. Where would I be, but for Him?

God bless us all!

Much ado about nothing

King Khan was forced to face an 'ordeal' at the Newark airport. Quite naturally, most of the newspapers today have this news as their headlines : "I don't feel like stepping on U.S soil: Shah Rukh." Can't blame him. I'd have felt the same way if I had been treated that way. Luckily, I am not a Khan and I do not think I'll be going to the Newark airport in my lifetime. If I get a chance, I guess I'll try to skip it.

Another main news article was: Anil Ambani visits Guruvayoor temple in Kerala. A nice photo was given by the side of the article which was essentially about the royal reception given to the younger Ambani by the members of the Devaswom board.

Then there was also an article about our Home Minister watching the World Badminton Championship in the conspicuous absence of NSG commandos. Another one about a really controversial lady going shopping in the national capital. And many more such articles which had no right to be in the paper.All this after devoting about 30% of the space for the advertisement. (Can't blame them. After all, the newspapers may become unaffordable otherwise.) This is the case of a typical newspaper in India.

Do I care whether the Home Minister watched the World Badminton Championship or the World Boxing Championship? If the lady goes shopping, can't reporters let her do that peacefully and leave us also in peace? We are customers and we demand full value for our money. Not the crap you publish in about 70% of the space. Why do they think newspaper subscriptions are going down all over the world? The readers get the latest news round the clock, without any interruption, on the net. They get what they want to read - and not what the newspapers dictate.

After publishing all that, I believe that the newspapers have no right to criticize the stars they made about their behaviour. You are the ones who made them.

The Jinnah Fans Association

At first, it was Mr. Advani. Now it is Mr. Jaswant Singh. Jinnah is rising from his ashes, like a Phoenix, to haunt Indian politics. What more will we get to hear in the coming days? Mr. Singh's interview with Mr. Thapar was a revelation. I never knew that a political leader cares that much about a minority community in India. I know Congress doesn't care but at least it puts up a show to that effect. The BJP, unabashedly doesn't care and unapologetically announces it. This sudden love for Jinnah in the minds of BJP leaders perplexes me. Perhaps, they admire the man. He could do what they could not. Carve out a nation for him to rule. After all, an Islamic Republic of Pakistan was created that follows the laws of Sharia, not a Hindu Republic of Bharat that followed Manusmriti.

I do not think that Gandhi or Nehru were saints. Nor do I think that Jinnah was a demon. Nevertheless, I believe that all three of them, besides all the leaders then, should be held responsible for the partition. They were not saints, and I do not find any point in portraying them as such. They were human beings, like you and me. They thought their decision to be the right one - as we think ours are. They could not foresee the future. Nor can we be sure of what would have happened if there had been no partition. So it is pretty pointless to discuss the past when we have a bright future in front of us. Which brings me to the question:

Why on earth am I writing this?

...some are more equal...

APJ Abdul Kalam being frisked at an airport created a huge controversy though the former President had no problem with it. Our leaders cry hoarse when their Z+ security cover is withdrawn though they actually do not require it. Our cricket players need special treatment from the anti-doping agencies to protect their privacy. We put up with the preferential treatment being given to the 'more equal' among us. Who said that 'All men are born equal'?

Happy Independence Day to all.

This one really takes the cake.

I read a very interesting news article now. It is the funniest thing I have ever read and I believe it to be the work of some prankster. It should have been saved for the next April first but I guess he was not in a mood to wait till then. I ought to warn you that all Malayalis are going to find this hilariously funny. This is the article:

Kerala receives threat of multiple bomb blasts

• Share

Fri, Aug 14 11:03 AM

Kannur (Kerala) Aug 14 (IANS) The cyber police cell in Kerala has traced an e-mail threat from the United Arab Emirates, warning of widespread bomb blasts in the state, if a separate Muslim state, comprising districts of north Kerala, is not created.

Speaking to IANS, inspector general of police Tomin J. Thachenkery said Friday that the e-mail was received Thursday at a few media offices.

'We immediately began our work and found that the mail is from United Arab Emirates based Etisalat and the domain is that of Yahoo. Since a first information report is required to trace out the IP of the computer, a case has been registered here at the Kannur Town police station.'

He added that the e-mail was written by Zakhir Hussain who claims to be the head of the newly formed Malabar Mujahid which has its headquarters in Karachi and has support from ISI (Inter-services intelligence) of Pakistan and LeT (Lashkar-e-Toiba).

'If their demand for a separate Muslim state is not met, then bombs will be deployed across the state and for that they have already shipped seven kilograms of RDX. The first of the series of bomb blasts will begin with a sample one today (Friday), being the Independence Day of Pakistan,' said the letter, according to Thachenkery.

Following the e-mail, the state has been put on high alert and instructions have gone to all district headquarters to remain vigilant.

Indo Asian News Service

Raising the standards

I got a mail from a reader that my blog was maintaining an average level. Well, as for me, I think it is well below that. I wrote pure nonsense in most of the entries. Instead of writing about the things I really wanted to write about, I have always focused on totally irrelevant things, fearing censure. I will admit that I am a very insecure person. I fear that I will be misunderstood. So I cloak myself with a show of joviality. I show respect to people I have nothing but contempt for. I dare not call a spade a spade - I am far too sensible for that. Still, sometimes you receive a jolt that makes you sit down and evaluate your life and deeds. The mail which I mentioned above was one such jolt. The first reaction was: "Oh my God! How dare this fellow convey this obvious fact to me knowing that I will be obviously offended?" I sincerely appreciate that fellow's candidness and his nerve in doing that. If we had more people like him, the humanity would have vanished long ago, leaving behind a really peaceful earth!

That shock was followed by an introspection - something I avoid because they are actually very painful. I know that I suppress my opinions and emotions heavily. I want peace around me more than anything else and I know that this is true for most of the people around me.

I have a split personality - one, a jovial, foolish person you must have seen in most of the earlier posts, and another one, a dark, too intellectual, too sharp face that I normally do not show outside. Sometimes, I do wonder which one actually controls me. I love to be the second person all the time but I also fear and mistrust it.

So much for all the dark writing. I believe I am getting too bookish to be read. So we will now discuss some very serious issues: Necessity of a Common Civil Code in India and revamping of foreign policy.

I hereby declare that I neither support nor accept the BJP ideology. I am vehemently against its chauvinistic platform. I also declare that I believe that I am a human first and an Indian next. Any other consideration comes only after that. I also believe in the equality of all human beings.

I want to state that the Personal Laws governing the citizens of India need to be scrapped. A Common Civil Code applicable to all the citizens must be introduced instead. This code must be based on common sense and rational beliefs. It is really unbecoming of this democracy to be treating its citizens differently, on the basis of their religion. It is irrational, illogical; that is to say, it defies all explanation. It is high time that our leaders really gather all the nerve they have and work on this issue.

I know that a Common Civil Code is a dream - a dream that may never come true in my lifetime though I can call myself young.

The second thing I demand is that the government act fast on its foreign policy. Chinese influence is growing by leaps and bounds all over the world. They are using all the means they can - both economic and diplomatic whereas we are floundering at whatever we do. Africa is leaning heavily to China. We sit here, doing practically nothing when compared to what the Chinese are doing. When will we get our act together?

We should try to resolve the problems we have with our neighbours. After all, we cannot choose them. When the PM is making efforts to ensure peace in the subcontinenet, I believe that the people must support him. Hostility with neighbours is quite costly. We are already heavily affected by the global economic recession. Why create more problems for ourselves? Why should people make such a hue and cry over the Baloch part of the Sharm-El-Sheikh statement? We said that we are not doing anything to promote the Baloch movement. What's wrong with that? Needless arguments over a pointless issue; just to show we are good at it.

Finally an engineer

The Kerala University finally announced the results. I got away with a mindblowing CGPA of 8.32. It is so because I was scared I may fail this time. These University results are similar to the Tughlaq reign. You never know what will happen next. Thank God for large, Mt. Everest sized favours. I am so relieved now that I feel like jumping up and down. I am sure I behaved really crazy when I got to know the result. I was standing in the bus stand when the feeling really began sinking. Oh God! Finally, I am a full-fledged engineer. No more 'swords of Damocles' in my life!!! Whew!!!

Oil exploration in Trivandrum

Everyone is talking of the oil exploration off the Kochi coast but no one is paying any notice to the exploratory efforts in Trivandrum. In fact, the whole city has been dug up - if there were a war going on, I could have said that they were trenches - but as there is nothing of the sort and there is a real chance of finding oil somewhere around, I suspect that I smell something oily. This whole fuss about Kerala Water Authority digging up roads to lay waterpipes is just a farce - they're after oil, mates!

There was a cartoon some days back in the newspaper - a kid was learning his history lessons - when he reads that U.S had dropped an n-bomb over Japan, he asks his mom, Why? Did they have Japan Drinking Water Programme too?"

Poor Japan! It doesn't know how hated this country's name has become in this city! And all it did was to give aid to the Kerala Government to renovate the water supply system in the city. The KWA, with great panache, dug up all the roads it could find in the city. Some people have lost their lives in accidents that were caused by the potholes created in the process. A child actually wrote in his Board examination that the programme was a public nuisance as it killed people.

So I humbly request the KWA to complete the digging, sorry, oil exploration as soon as possible. And after that, for God's sake, repair the roads!

I want to talk

So Mr. Muraleedharan's entry into Congress has been stalled by the warhorses in the KPCC. It gives Malayalis a lot to smile about - his antics, his statements, his feuds and everything regarding him. There was a cartoon in one of the pages of a leading newspapers - Murali crying as he lies in a cradle for abandoned children. That was a cartoon over which we had a wholesome laugh after a long time.

Mr. Singh, our dear Prime Minister seems to be running into a lot of trouble right now - a needless joint statement with the Pak PM, the EUMA (I don't like what I read) and the Ambani feud over gas, besides the really pressing problem of rising retail prices.

I sincerely do not understand how inflation can be negative when the price of anything I buy is going up exponentially. Vegetable prices are increasing too, and now the cheapest things to eat are eggs and milk. Seems our Civil Supplies Minster was right when he said some months back that Malayalis should live on milk and eggs. Everyone had ridiculed him then and now I see that he is having the last laugh. Sorry, Mr. Minister!

We had a lot of noise surrouding the striking down of Article 377. I wholeheartedly welcome the judgement. This should have been done long ago. They should also decriminalise 'attempt to suicide'. People do not try to suicide unless they are really emotionally or psychologically disturbed. It serves no point if they are made to serve jail terms or face police harassment for that. They should be given proper treatment, rehabilitated and let off. We are living in a civilzed society, I hope!

Going vegan

I am, or rather was, the strictest non-vegetarian in the world. I wouldn't touch my plate without a piece of meat, fish or egg before me. (I preferred fish.) Now all that has changed.

It has got nothing to do with the steely resolve of mine. I am rather more like Mark Twain -"Quitting smoking is easy. I have done it a hundred times." My mom has stopped cooking non-veg food and so I am forced to eat green grass! :-(

For some time, I tried to resist eating. Finally, feeling so hungry that I couldn't have even discerned the taste of what I was eating, I pushed in some food into my mouth. Now I follow this as a routine - I don't eat unless I can help it. And for the first time in my life, I am losing my weight rather than gaining it. The sense of loss is overbearing. I miss most of my cheeks. If it goes on like this, my parents will not be able to distinguish me from my sis. (She is lean and I come under the category 'too many extra pounds'.) I miss the totally unhealthy, fatty, delicious food I used to have. I don't know how long mom is going to continue this. Dad is talking of making the whole family vegan. I am sincerely praying for a job that would take me to one of the Scandinavian countries where I hope they have fish and meat as their staple diet, like me.

Arab countries aren't liberal with women, you see.

Living in fear of death

Over the past two weeks, I have been living in fear of death - not only mine but anyone known to me. It has almost become an obsession with me. Sometimes, I wake up at night and check that everything is right. It really scares me - I can't sleep at night and this fear is eating me up. And I know that I am not alone. There are many people I know who are dealing with this fear.

It all began two weeks ago - on the night of July 17, we were informed that my cousin Nimmy, who was of my same age had passed away. It was really unbelievable, as mom had visited them only the week before and she was in the pink of health, preparing for her job at a bank. She is six months younger than me and her death left us really devastated. The doctors who did the biopsy declared the cause to be a cardiac arrest. A cardiac arrest? At her age, the probability of having a cardiac arrest would be one in a million, as she never had any complaints about her health before. We couldn't reconcile ourselves to her death. Her father had died due to a cardiac arrest, too; but then, he was comparatively older and we could at least bring ourselves to believe it, albeit after a long time. This was really mind-numbing.

This should not really have been a shock for us. We too had too many near-death experiences. I have lost count of how many I had. The boat in which I travelled once sank into a river. And the van or trucker in which I travelled to school inevitably got into at least two accidents every year. Mom's is the worst - a brain haemorrhage. Luckily I happened to be around and got her into hospital just in time to save her.

Then too many news of death started pouring in - my dad's cousin's wife died, inexplicably, after she almost recovered from a fever; the father of my best friend at school died; my mom's favourite teacher and then one of her friends died and many others too - to the extent that it has become almost a joke, and a very terrible one at that.

So much so that everytime the landline rings, my heart races. I can't bear it anymore. There is no longer any interest in the things I used to do, and I have become a net addict. I just need some time before I can really reconcile myself to all this. I keep laughing and so does papa, mom and sis, but we all know that there are really deep wounds beneath the masks we wear, and it is going to take some time to heal.

Today, dad called my uncle to tell him that my purse, which I had lost in the train, had been recovered. Usually, it is mom who calls my uncle.

After some time, dad told us that uncle was really worried when he called. He was fearing the worst when the phone rang. We are not alone in this fear.

Cleaning it up

So when Mr. Varkey told us that our house would be the venue of the prayer meeting this month, it really spent a chill down my spine. First of all, the house resembled an amazon jungle. Second, we did not know what a prayer meeting actually looked like. I have been only to one and that too, I had reached there at the fag end - while they were distributing the prizes. (I was supposed to collect a prize, you see;-) )

We were in panic mode, especially mom. She was tormenting papa and me with a volley of questions about the time we had spent at the prayer meeting mentioned above. That was about three years ago and now I don't even remember where the house was.

I thought I'd be able to escape as I had the GAIL test on Sunday. Then, all of a sudden, my dad's cousin's wife died and papa decided to attend the funeral. So my test got 'cancelled'. Now I'd have to help mom with cleaning.

Hercules would have had an easier task with Augean stables than me with my room. I had a great collection of little pieces of paper that became useless as time passed, lots of books (starting almost from my kindergarten. There are some missing, but that can be managed.), too many clothes (I don't like to this, but most of them are not to my taste and the rest are not to my shape.) and other waste materials you can reasonably expect to find in a bedroom. The bathroom attached to the room was another story. I will not describe it simply because I do not find words to describe it. I guess it would suffice if I say that it was grossly multicoloured.

Then I had to clean the showcase in the main hall as well. That was the most tricky part.It contained bills and receipts dating back to the Gupta empire and any mistake I made while discarding any would have far-reaching implications. "Be careful!" my mom said. I adopted the motto "When in doubt, do not throw" I recovered many things, including an 18th century photograph of pop and my sis standing in front of the Agra fort, a 17th century photograph of all of us in front of the Gateway of India. And I had been thinking that all these valuable historical records had been lost forever. I even got a horoscope of a guy who was born about fifty years ago. Nobody had any clue as to how it ended up where we found it. I washed the statuettes of St. Joseph and St. Mary; Infant Jesus now shines in His lily-white dress. I found that St.Mary's crown actually had red, and not brown colour in her crown.

"Mom, do you know what this is?" "Coal-tar?" "No, mom! It is dirt from my fan!"

Half an hour later, when Anju came home: "Guess what this is?" "Carbon particulates" I gave up. Was never strong at organic chemistry and I feared she would start naming all the organic compounds, starting with the aromatic ones. If not cancer, they would give me at least a headache. I ran away to my room. (I bet she smiled. She is always studying organic chemistry when I go to her room and maths when she comes into mine. I am getting suspicious!!!)

When I finished all that, I gave everything a wash and a scrub. It looked so neat, I thought I would faint. I had a rather brilliant idea of restricting the entry to my bathroom forever, but then decided against it as I would be accused of violation of human rights.

I went shopping after that. Had to make an egg omelette for having lunch. My mom was hard at work, and so she had not prepared anything except rice. I bought cutlets and biscuits. Mom had forgotten to buy paper napkins and so I had to run around finding a shop that sold them as most of the shops I knew had run out of stock.

I was panting when I reached home. Mom looked happy and told me I had lost a great deal of weight. (I know this meant that I still had a lot more work to do. Mom should be made a General or something. She surpasses even Dale Carnegie at everything he wrote about.)

After all the work was over, I resumed reading the 'Bandit Queen'. After reading for five minutes, I went to mom and told her: "Mom, you know, this doesn't feel like my home anymore."