The single room I was given isn't actually a single room in the real sense of the term. It is a big room divided into two by a partition. There is an opening to enter the room which, however, is not accessible from the main door. So, I had to pass through Roshni's room to enter mine. We could easily hear each other talking even if we couldn't see each other. And Roshni is the person who compelled me finally to start attending the evening prayers.
In our floor, we had two more such rooms - one of Nidhi, an advocate doing her LLM and Jincy, an IES aspirant. The other room was one that housed two nuns. One of the nuns and my favourite was Sister Danny, an English teacher who had come to prepare for the NET exam. She is an extraordinary human being - the stuff, as I said, the angels are made of. I didn't get to see much of the other nun as she had gone home to meet her mother who had been diagnosed of cancer. She was diagnosed in the final stage of the disease. The trials and troubles of others showed me how lucky I was. I had no problems to face, and in front of me was an opportunity that thousands aspire for, but only a few hundreds get.
However, the problem with the Mains 'opportunity' is that studying for it seems more like a backbreaking burden than a walk on a path strewn with rose petals. At least, I felt so. After 'completing' the optionals, I finally turned to GS. My strategy of learning at the time was: Read as much as you can so that you might remember something for the mains. I followed this strategy religiously. Jeevan sir asked me to get previous papers and work out the questions. After much prodding, I bought previous papers of Pub Ad but I haven't ever opened it. Not even to write my name on it. I had no time.
Ashwathi was the other person from the hostel who had cleared the prelims along with me. I finally met her when one of my classmates asked me to take a Malayalam book to her. We became good friends.
Like many other human beings, I used to eat to beat depression. Sugar intake always calmed me. I was suffering from an inferiority complex the day I had started attending the Mains class. It aggravated after the prelims result was declared. I knew I had not half the knowledge that many candidates who did not qualify had. And when I sat with them, which happened quite often, my heart would accuse me of being a fluke, a coward and a lazy bug who got lucky.
The food at the hostel thus turned out to be insufficient for me. As the exam, came nearer, I became a frequent visitor at the Spencer's in the Anna's Arcade, gorging on ice creams, chocolates, bread and butter and other unhealthy foods even as my weight began to shoot up. On top of that, mom sent me delicious fish pickle, so that even my rice consumption skyrocketed. Sometimes, I would go to the Statue hotel for fried rice and butter chicken or Arul Jyothi for Masala Dosa. A glass of orange juice and a cutlet daily became a must for me to think straight. All that was until I became friends with Nisha.
About a week before the Mains started, Nisha came to the hostel. Nisha too was taking the test with the same optionals as me. I first met her in the hostel mess. Nisha belonged to the perennially doomed group of 'socially forward but economically backward'. Luckily for her, she had got admission in Navodaya and that education and her own experience in life has made her a gem - one in a billion. Dear UPSC, if you are not taking her, you are missing out on one of the most brilliant civil servants and one of the greatest humanists ever from the country. Her words come from her life, mine are from books. Her words carry conviction, mine confusion. Yet...
To cut a long story short, talking with her made me realise that I am nothing short of a spoilt brat, that redemption is possible and that hope is the greatest gift that mankind has.
Then I took the mains, finally. Everybody in the hostel prayed for us as we took the tests. In spite of all the appeals to God, GS papers were horrible as usual. However, the subject papers showed remarkable focus on contemporary issues, which meant that you could have taken the exam with the preparation for the GS papers alone. For essay, there was really no choice as I had forgotten everything about tribals, much like the typical Indian bureaucrat. Also, I didn't know that the miserly rich Indians had suddenly become generous and started donating money to anything other than places of worship. So I had to blah-blah about India's leadership.
Finally, all the tests were over with the Sociology papers. I had written many blunders in all my papers. When I finally got out of the University College at Trivandrum, I was quite confident that I wouldn't clear.
But unexpectedly, I cleared. The interviews start on 22nd of this month. And, again, as usual, I don't know a word. Pray for me!
Monday 7 March 2011
My Life, To Hell and Back: Part V
It took eight hours of sound sleep for the reality to sink in, even peripherally. I had to buy the textbooks, I had to get serious about Pub Ad but worst of all, I had to study GS!
In the next few days, the class got divided - those who had cleared the prelims and those who hadn't. Many went to Delhi for the Mains preparation. My parents asked me if I wanted to go to Delhi too. As I was sure that the fluke wouldn't continue, I told them not to waste their money on it. Some of my friends and relatives vociferously demanded that I be exiled. My parents, who knew me very well, politely refused.
With my parents becoming extra generous with my pocket money, I started shopping for books. Jeevan sir gave me the list of books to be studied in emergency cases like mine. Pub Ad class was lagging behind the schedule, so I decided to attend Jeevan's IAS Academy for both optionals and leave GS 'to fate'. This centre, unlike the name, consists of a couple of small rooms, one of them having tin sheets on five sides, on the terrace of one of the buildings at Thampanoor. When it rained heavily, the classes would be stopped as it was difficult to hear anything as the raindrops lashed out at the tin roof. But the classes there were excellent. I had joined midway, so I had to pay only half the fee. I photocopied the notes of the earlier classes from Aparna, whom I knew from my days at the Academy. There, my closest friends were Aparna and Anupama - both of them children of a Hindu and a Christian parent each. They taught me what it meant to be truly secular and why it was so important to be secular.
My relationship with the mighty and the powerful in the hostel changed dramatically after the 'night of the result'. Only two had qualified from the hostel. Because of that, I got a single room all to myself in the ground floor.
The story of how I got it still pains me. The next day after my result, in order to finally impress the nuns, I bought some laddus I planned to give to the warden. While I was waiting outside, a girl came and congratulated me. I became a bit boastful and told her how unexpected the result was, for I had studied for only one week for the prelims. She smiled but I felt that there was pain in her eyes. Suddenly, we were both called into the office.
I gave the warden the laddus and told her I had cleared the prelims. Next, the girl talked to her. The warden told her something about God's will being different and kind of stuff - the same stuff my mother would tell me to comfort me after the CAT '08 but I wouldn't listen. I too wanted to comfort her, tell her that she would do it the next time. Suddenly the warden asked me if I wanted a single room. In confusion by now, as I had never requested for a single room but was now being offered one, I said yes. Then the warden asked the other girl to show me the room she was vacating. I felt awkward as I followed her.
Later, I came to know that it was her fourth and hence final attempt, that she was quite confident of clearing it at the time and that she was the stuff that angels are made of. And here I was, a little devil, who bunked even the compulsory evening prayers, a brat who thought life was for mere enjoyment, displacing her from a place that I thought should rightly belong to her. Yet, I took the room and moved in with my stuff before going home one final time before the mains.
Right now, that angel is working as a volunteer in the Maoist - affected areas of Orissa. Strange paths does life take human beings through.
In the next few days, the class got divided - those who had cleared the prelims and those who hadn't. Many went to Delhi for the Mains preparation. My parents asked me if I wanted to go to Delhi too. As I was sure that the fluke wouldn't continue, I told them not to waste their money on it. Some of my friends and relatives vociferously demanded that I be exiled. My parents, who knew me very well, politely refused.
With my parents becoming extra generous with my pocket money, I started shopping for books. Jeevan sir gave me the list of books to be studied in emergency cases like mine. Pub Ad class was lagging behind the schedule, so I decided to attend Jeevan's IAS Academy for both optionals and leave GS 'to fate'. This centre, unlike the name, consists of a couple of small rooms, one of them having tin sheets on five sides, on the terrace of one of the buildings at Thampanoor. When it rained heavily, the classes would be stopped as it was difficult to hear anything as the raindrops lashed out at the tin roof. But the classes there were excellent. I had joined midway, so I had to pay only half the fee. I photocopied the notes of the earlier classes from Aparna, whom I knew from my days at the Academy. There, my closest friends were Aparna and Anupama - both of them children of a Hindu and a Christian parent each. They taught me what it meant to be truly secular and why it was so important to be secular.
My relationship with the mighty and the powerful in the hostel changed dramatically after the 'night of the result'. Only two had qualified from the hostel. Because of that, I got a single room all to myself in the ground floor.
The story of how I got it still pains me. The next day after my result, in order to finally impress the nuns, I bought some laddus I planned to give to the warden. While I was waiting outside, a girl came and congratulated me. I became a bit boastful and told her how unexpected the result was, for I had studied for only one week for the prelims. She smiled but I felt that there was pain in her eyes. Suddenly, we were both called into the office.
I gave the warden the laddus and told her I had cleared the prelims. Next, the girl talked to her. The warden told her something about God's will being different and kind of stuff - the same stuff my mother would tell me to comfort me after the CAT '08 but I wouldn't listen. I too wanted to comfort her, tell her that she would do it the next time. Suddenly the warden asked me if I wanted a single room. In confusion by now, as I had never requested for a single room but was now being offered one, I said yes. Then the warden asked the other girl to show me the room she was vacating. I felt awkward as I followed her.
Later, I came to know that it was her fourth and hence final attempt, that she was quite confident of clearing it at the time and that she was the stuff that angels are made of. And here I was, a little devil, who bunked even the compulsory evening prayers, a brat who thought life was for mere enjoyment, displacing her from a place that I thought should rightly belong to her. Yet, I took the room and moved in with my stuff before going home one final time before the mains.
Right now, that angel is working as a volunteer in the Maoist - affected areas of Orissa. Strange paths does life take human beings through.
My Life, To Hell and Back: Part IV
In prelims, the GS paper was terrifically good for me because I had prepared for the RBI Mains exam which I finally couldn't take because it clashed with XAT. If I cleared sociology, it is only because of the method in which Jeevan sir, my sociolgy teacher took the classes, made me take the tests and encouraged me in spite of me being the laziest bug of all. Till I joined the Mains class, the only textbook I had with me was Haralamboss's book on sociology. I thought it wise not to buy any other book because it was CSAT in 2011 anyway and so there was a lot of time to buy textbooks.
Once I joined the Academy, I religiously attended the Mains classes. By now, I was reformed, though I found it difficult to study such vast amounts of data. I had to choose a second optional. I was going to go for Physics, but my course co-ordinator (wisely, in hindsight) asked me to try Public Administration. I bought Laxmikanth's book and tried reading it. Well, I hated it from the time I read the first word. I tried attending the class at Academy, but was so disinterested that it was pointless to even try. Still, I kept going. However, I didn't buy any other book for Pub Ad till the prelims result came out.
Midway through my Mains class, my sister's engineering entrance results were published. She had a rank in the 2700s, so we calculated that she would most probably end up in CompSci branch at TKM. Mom got herself transferred to Kollam and I ended up in Bethany Hostel.
Staying in a hostel was always a dream for me ever since my mother refused to buy me a Navodaya school entrance application form. She had stayed in hostels almost throughout her life and she didn't want me to suffer the same fate. But now, I was in a hostel room with four other inmates - two MBA students, Linu and Shilpa and two entrance aspirants, Sona and Pamaela. Three students from the Academy too were in the hostel - Dhanya, Meera and Lakshmi. There were many other CS aspirants too, but I knew very few. I kept to my floor and seldom ventured out. Kalamol, Priya, Asha from nearby rooms became my friends. I was the laziest of all as I was quite sure I wouldn't pass the prelims. We had fun those days - I had almost nothing to study. We watched movies, told stories and talked, bunked evening prayers and in general, lived a very carefree life. All these, while my parents thought I would be studying like hell. Jeevan sir would regularly advise me on the importance of studying. In spite of ignoring his words for a long time, I finally became tired and bought two more textbooks for Sociology. Meanwhile, Shilpa and Linu left the hostel. Aiswarya and Arathi made way into my room. I became the seniormost member in my room. Yet, the person the hostel warden trusted most in my room was Pamaela.
That was before the results came.
Result was at first, a pleasant shock for me. I was not able to access the UPSC site in my mobile phone. So I called up DJ to check the result. Finally, I came to know that I had cleared the prelims. But the biggest thing in my mind then was that I would get the ten thousand rupees fees back from the Academy. That meant enough pocket money for the next few months. The idea that I'll be taking the mains in a couple of months refused to bother me that day.
Once I joined the Academy, I religiously attended the Mains classes. By now, I was reformed, though I found it difficult to study such vast amounts of data. I had to choose a second optional. I was going to go for Physics, but my course co-ordinator (wisely, in hindsight) asked me to try Public Administration. I bought Laxmikanth's book and tried reading it. Well, I hated it from the time I read the first word. I tried attending the class at Academy, but was so disinterested that it was pointless to even try. Still, I kept going. However, I didn't buy any other book for Pub Ad till the prelims result came out.
Midway through my Mains class, my sister's engineering entrance results were published. She had a rank in the 2700s, so we calculated that she would most probably end up in CompSci branch at TKM. Mom got herself transferred to Kollam and I ended up in Bethany Hostel.
Staying in a hostel was always a dream for me ever since my mother refused to buy me a Navodaya school entrance application form. She had stayed in hostels almost throughout her life and she didn't want me to suffer the same fate. But now, I was in a hostel room with four other inmates - two MBA students, Linu and Shilpa and two entrance aspirants, Sona and Pamaela. Three students from the Academy too were in the hostel - Dhanya, Meera and Lakshmi. There were many other CS aspirants too, but I knew very few. I kept to my floor and seldom ventured out. Kalamol, Priya, Asha from nearby rooms became my friends. I was the laziest of all as I was quite sure I wouldn't pass the prelims. We had fun those days - I had almost nothing to study. We watched movies, told stories and talked, bunked evening prayers and in general, lived a very carefree life. All these, while my parents thought I would be studying like hell. Jeevan sir would regularly advise me on the importance of studying. In spite of ignoring his words for a long time, I finally became tired and bought two more textbooks for Sociology. Meanwhile, Shilpa and Linu left the hostel. Aiswarya and Arathi made way into my room. I became the seniormost member in my room. Yet, the person the hostel warden trusted most in my room was Pamaela.
That was before the results came.
Result was at first, a pleasant shock for me. I was not able to access the UPSC site in my mobile phone. So I called up DJ to check the result. Finally, I came to know that I had cleared the prelims. But the biggest thing in my mind then was that I would get the ten thousand rupees fees back from the Academy. That meant enough pocket money for the next few months. The idea that I'll be taking the mains in a couple of months refused to bother me that day.
My Life, To Hell and Back: Part III
I attended the XLRI interview. My confused state of mind affected my preparation. I couldn't decide which way I wanted to go. After the interview, Jayesh asked me to fill in a booklet. It was filled with questions that would potentially lead to self discovery, if properly used. I used it, not completely honestly, because I was still hesitant to accept the truth. The emotion behind the revenge mentality is a too powerful one to overcome in one go. The pain that the wound caused was unbearable and my thoughts were just aggravating it - still, at that time, that pain gave me pleasure.
K and B interviews had only one day in between them. I attended the K interview. It went well. I bluffed well on why I wanted to do MBA. I had been warned against telling the board about my civil service plan so I kept silent about it. Then came the B interview.
Miracles have a strange way of occuring. The moment I stepped into the B campus, I decided, finally, that I did not want to do MBA for the reasons that were important to me at that point. What made me take the decision, I still do not know and neither can I attempt to explain. But the relief I felt was so blissful, I do not think it can ever be experienced again. I spoke my mind there - in the essay and at the interview. I was sure I would never convert B. It was inexplicable, but I felt really happy after a long time - almost a decade.
Results began to pour in. I had cleared ESE and K. Much against very logical reasoning by many well-wishers, I decided to drop K and join Engineering Services as per allocation. I also decided not to take the civil service preliminary examination in 2010 as I was not prepared. And my sociology notes were missing. So there was no point in taking the test. I would take it in 2011.
A week before the preliminary test, instigated by the comments of a certain cousin of mine, my parents asked me to appear for it. I was shocked beyond expression. The probability of my qualifying was near zero. I had to be a quantum mechanical particle to do it - I mean jump the quantum well. But they would listen to none of it.
My father bought me a Sociology question bank. I bought a CSR yearbook. Studied like hell for one week. I knew about the importance of going through previous years' papers but due to lack of time, I couldn't do it. Till date, the only prelims paper I have seen is the one that I attempted on the D-day.
Right after the prelims, I thought that there was a possibility that I might clear the prelims. That confidence went on a nosedive in the subsequent days, but much against my protests, my parents made me join the Mains programme at the Academy.
K and B interviews had only one day in between them. I attended the K interview. It went well. I bluffed well on why I wanted to do MBA. I had been warned against telling the board about my civil service plan so I kept silent about it. Then came the B interview.
Miracles have a strange way of occuring. The moment I stepped into the B campus, I decided, finally, that I did not want to do MBA for the reasons that were important to me at that point. What made me take the decision, I still do not know and neither can I attempt to explain. But the relief I felt was so blissful, I do not think it can ever be experienced again. I spoke my mind there - in the essay and at the interview. I was sure I would never convert B. It was inexplicable, but I felt really happy after a long time - almost a decade.
Results began to pour in. I had cleared ESE and K. Much against very logical reasoning by many well-wishers, I decided to drop K and join Engineering Services as per allocation. I also decided not to take the civil service preliminary examination in 2010 as I was not prepared. And my sociology notes were missing. So there was no point in taking the test. I would take it in 2011.
A week before the preliminary test, instigated by the comments of a certain cousin of mine, my parents asked me to appear for it. I was shocked beyond expression. The probability of my qualifying was near zero. I had to be a quantum mechanical particle to do it - I mean jump the quantum well. But they would listen to none of it.
My father bought me a Sociology question bank. I bought a CSR yearbook. Studied like hell for one week. I knew about the importance of going through previous years' papers but due to lack of time, I couldn't do it. Till date, the only prelims paper I have seen is the one that I attempted on the D-day.
Right after the prelims, I thought that there was a possibility that I might clear the prelims. That confidence went on a nosedive in the subsequent days, but much against my protests, my parents made me join the Mains programme at the Academy.
My Life, To Hell and Back: Part II
I took the CAT on December 5, 2009. That was the first time it was held online. You know the story - computer crashes, virus attacks, rumours of repeated questions etc. Well, it went well for me. I also took XAT for the second time.
Then there was the long wait for results. I was planning the future course of my life without correctly understanding the meaning of 'Man proposes, God disposes'. My plan was - I would do an MBA, then appear for civil services. I was even thinking of taking a combination of Management and Economics for the Mains after the MBA as it would be easier after the course. My parents had agreed to sponsor my studies, thus obviating the necessity of working after MBA, so that I could appear for the CSE as soon as I passed the final year.
I also remember Joe's, Ammu's and Ranju's futile attempts to cheer me up by inviting me to get-togethers and treats. The only thing I wanted at the time was to be left alone. However, it also greatly comforted me; for it is great to know that your friends are always there for you, no matter how down and out you are. Here is a big, heartfelt THANK YOU to you three and others who tried to elevate my mood by playing to the universal addiction - FOOD!!!
I would have been a textbook case of clinical depression those days if it had not been for the great and wholesome support of my family, my friends and the internet.
My results came. I had scored 99.94 percentile in XAT and 99.77 in CAT. The CAT score was a bit below my expectations. I still do not know how the scaling was done. I got calls from B, K and XLRI. That was some good news after a long, long time.
I between, I had received news that I had qualified for interview in the Engineering Services Examination. I had taken it in my final year at college, at my parents' insistence. The interview was at UPSC in Delhi. Given my track record of 'success' in technical interviews, I was as confident of making it as water can be confident of burning. Still, after the stint at the Academy, even the mere utterance of 'UPSC' invokes awe in me. And so I decided to go. I came to know about the B, K calls while I was in Delhi for the interview. The interview went very well. Especially after the interview board chairman found that he liked me. When I left, I knew that I had fallen in love - with the UPSC, of all things!
To state the truth, after the XAT result had come out, I had joined Career Launcher at Trivandrum for my interview preparation. The person in charge there was Jayesh, an IIM-A alumnus and a former civil service aspirant. When he came to know that I too wanted to join the service, he asked me why I wanted to do MBA. That was a question I had not asked myself after the CAT 2008. It finally occurred to me that after all, my heart may really be no longer in it. I just wanted it as a kind of revenge. And this want of mine was ruining my peace.
We can do right things for the right purpose, wrong things for the right purpose, wrong things for the wrong purpose and right things for the wrong pupose. But doing the right thing for the wrong purpose is the most debasing of all - it essentially robs you of your humanity. I realised that I was searching for happiness in the most unlikeliest of places and in the most improbable way.
I made some friends at CL - Elizabeth and Abdullah Chaudhary ('the shepherd from Andalusia') were the most supportive. They taught me the importance of listening to what my heart was saying - and to go with it. I finally learned to listen to the voice and not the noise. However, my 'passion for revenge' was still blind, and that made me more confused than I ever was. My ESE interview occurred in the midst of this confusion.
Then there was the long wait for results. I was planning the future course of my life without correctly understanding the meaning of 'Man proposes, God disposes'. My plan was - I would do an MBA, then appear for civil services. I was even thinking of taking a combination of Management and Economics for the Mains after the MBA as it would be easier after the course. My parents had agreed to sponsor my studies, thus obviating the necessity of working after MBA, so that I could appear for the CSE as soon as I passed the final year.
I also remember Joe's, Ammu's and Ranju's futile attempts to cheer me up by inviting me to get-togethers and treats. The only thing I wanted at the time was to be left alone. However, it also greatly comforted me; for it is great to know that your friends are always there for you, no matter how down and out you are. Here is a big, heartfelt THANK YOU to you three and others who tried to elevate my mood by playing to the universal addiction - FOOD!!!
I would have been a textbook case of clinical depression those days if it had not been for the great and wholesome support of my family, my friends and the internet.
My results came. I had scored 99.94 percentile in XAT and 99.77 in CAT. The CAT score was a bit below my expectations. I still do not know how the scaling was done. I got calls from B, K and XLRI. That was some good news after a long, long time.
I between, I had received news that I had qualified for interview in the Engineering Services Examination. I had taken it in my final year at college, at my parents' insistence. The interview was at UPSC in Delhi. Given my track record of 'success' in technical interviews, I was as confident of making it as water can be confident of burning. Still, after the stint at the Academy, even the mere utterance of 'UPSC' invokes awe in me. And so I decided to go. I came to know about the B, K calls while I was in Delhi for the interview. The interview went very well. Especially after the interview board chairman found that he liked me. When I left, I knew that I had fallen in love - with the UPSC, of all things!
To state the truth, after the XAT result had come out, I had joined Career Launcher at Trivandrum for my interview preparation. The person in charge there was Jayesh, an IIM-A alumnus and a former civil service aspirant. When he came to know that I too wanted to join the service, he asked me why I wanted to do MBA. That was a question I had not asked myself after the CAT 2008. It finally occurred to me that after all, my heart may really be no longer in it. I just wanted it as a kind of revenge. And this want of mine was ruining my peace.
We can do right things for the right purpose, wrong things for the right purpose, wrong things for the wrong purpose and right things for the wrong pupose. But doing the right thing for the wrong purpose is the most debasing of all - it essentially robs you of your humanity. I realised that I was searching for happiness in the most unlikeliest of places and in the most improbable way.
I made some friends at CL - Elizabeth and Abdullah Chaudhary ('the shepherd from Andalusia') were the most supportive. They taught me the importance of listening to what my heart was saying - and to go with it. I finally learned to listen to the voice and not the noise. However, my 'passion for revenge' was still blind, and that made me more confused than I ever was. My ESE interview occurred in the midst of this confusion.
My Life, To Hell and Back: Part I
I had enrolled in the coaching class for preliminary exam at the Civil Service Academy in August 2009 just to pass time till CAT 2009. My parents were worried that I would become too depressed if I stayed at home. And they were not ready to send me to work. I know now that secretly my dad had wished that I would take the programme seriously. But he also knew that I hated the idea of being a civil servant at the time.
I still remember almost being kicked out as the classes were overcrowded before finally being admitted after taking the entrance test. I was asked to write an essay on 'Why I wanted to be a civil servant'. I had no idea, so I blah-blahed about the Collector coming as the chief guest at the school annual day and being inspired by the respect given to him. My essay, surprisingly, impressed the Course Co-ordinator.
I hated attending the classes. The course had actually started in June. So I was supposed to copy the notes of the earlier classes for all the subjects. After one or two tries, I gave up. There were only a few subjects I liked - Biology, Sociology and History (only because the teacher taking the class was supremely sarcastic and I loved sarcasm when not directed against me!). I attended only two classes in Geography during my entire course. The teacher was extremely good but I was phobic to Geography. 'It causes me to snore'. Chemistry and Mathematics were too simple to sustain my interest. As I had no idea what political science was, I bunked the subject altogether. On top of all these, I would try, daily, to make some silly excuse to escape attending the class. I even got a TT vaccination for a small wound inflicted by the sharp edge of a KSRTC bus door for the purpose. And stayed at home for two days claiming that the pain in my hand was severe.
Of all the weekly tests conducted there, I attended only one. Letters with 'Performance not up to the expected level' made routine appearances. My parents ignored them. It seems that somehow they guessed that I would change my opinion soon.
All these indiscipline on my part was not due to confidence. In fact, I was left crushed and bruised after the CAT 2008 fiasco. My self confidence was at par with the height of Mariana Trench from the sea level. I lived life like a zombie. I saw CAT 2009 as the only way to redeem my self-worth and dignity.
Very slowly, I began to appreciate the classes at the Academy and the beauty of the subjects. Still I could not bear any pain, so I bunked the classes I thought would not sustain my interest. Then I caught a severe flu and was confined to clinic/home for three weeks. In between, there were other interviews for jobs and I was rejected in all those. Life was hell at the time.
Sociology was a comfort, though. I loved the subject, with its twists and turns, crazy, weird customs, weirder theories and the hopelessly wide area of study - the human society. Much different from the dry area of electronics, my subject at college.
Classes ended in December. By that time, I had decided that I would attempt to become a civil servant after I completed MBA from one of the IIMs. I announced my decision to my parents and they smiled.
I still remember almost being kicked out as the classes were overcrowded before finally being admitted after taking the entrance test. I was asked to write an essay on 'Why I wanted to be a civil servant'. I had no idea, so I blah-blahed about the Collector coming as the chief guest at the school annual day and being inspired by the respect given to him. My essay, surprisingly, impressed the Course Co-ordinator.
I hated attending the classes. The course had actually started in June. So I was supposed to copy the notes of the earlier classes for all the subjects. After one or two tries, I gave up. There were only a few subjects I liked - Biology, Sociology and History (only because the teacher taking the class was supremely sarcastic and I loved sarcasm when not directed against me!). I attended only two classes in Geography during my entire course. The teacher was extremely good but I was phobic to Geography. 'It causes me to snore'. Chemistry and Mathematics were too simple to sustain my interest. As I had no idea what political science was, I bunked the subject altogether. On top of all these, I would try, daily, to make some silly excuse to escape attending the class. I even got a TT vaccination for a small wound inflicted by the sharp edge of a KSRTC bus door for the purpose. And stayed at home for two days claiming that the pain in my hand was severe.
Of all the weekly tests conducted there, I attended only one. Letters with 'Performance not up to the expected level' made routine appearances. My parents ignored them. It seems that somehow they guessed that I would change my opinion soon.
All these indiscipline on my part was not due to confidence. In fact, I was left crushed and bruised after the CAT 2008 fiasco. My self confidence was at par with the height of Mariana Trench from the sea level. I lived life like a zombie. I saw CAT 2009 as the only way to redeem my self-worth and dignity.
Very slowly, I began to appreciate the classes at the Academy and the beauty of the subjects. Still I could not bear any pain, so I bunked the classes I thought would not sustain my interest. Then I caught a severe flu and was confined to clinic/home for three weeks. In between, there were other interviews for jobs and I was rejected in all those. Life was hell at the time.
Sociology was a comfort, though. I loved the subject, with its twists and turns, crazy, weird customs, weirder theories and the hopelessly wide area of study - the human society. Much different from the dry area of electronics, my subject at college.
Classes ended in December. By that time, I had decided that I would attempt to become a civil servant after I completed MBA from one of the IIMs. I announced my decision to my parents and they smiled.
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