Rain at Calicut

It rained here in Calicut today. It was wonderful to play in rain today. And the sweet smell of wet earth that seeps in through the spaces in the closed windows makes me grateful. For the rain. For the greenery that surrounds me. For the pleasant wind.
May this feeling stay with me forever.

Happy without reservations

My train reservations are becoming pointless affairs. There are always some last minute changes due to which I inevitably cancel my tickets. And then go unreserved.
Going unreserved is fun. You meet new people. There is a greater variety than the usually stiff upper lip dames and gentlemen in planes or higher classes. And the windows are open. Which is a big plus point as you get to see the countryside.
I have not been on this route for almost the past three years. And this possibly is my first unreserved journey to Northern Kerala.
Calicut is a beautiful city. However, my journeys to the place usually had unhappy endings. Hope it will be different this time.

Roam, roam, roam around...

Once upon a time there lived a girl who hated to go out of her house. Right now she is living out of a suitcase. My story.

I remember the days when I used to pack everything I had 'in case I needed them'. I do that even now, but everything I own now fits into two bags.

Travelling has become a way of life for me. Now I feel it terribly boring to sit at home. Roaming around has become the norm. It is crazy at times but it is exciting as well. Planes, trains, buses - I love them all.

I find it quite amusing now when someone tells me that they did not opt for a job they liked as they would be displaced from home. But, to each his own, as they say.

Feel free to feel dumb

There are these days when you wake up and realize that your brain is not functioning properly. You just want to lie in bed till you feel alright. That, however, is not possible as you have to go to office.

So you just drag yourself to office. The files that would have required five minutes usually would seem to be written in Greek that day. And you will be struggling against a deep desire to run away to your home and sleep. However, you obviously cannot do that. You stare at the filea hoping something will strike you. If your boss calls you for a meeting that day, you are dead. You speak some unintelligible babble sticking to the 'If you can't convince them, confuse them' rule.

I just seem to be having an off-day today.

Thank you friends

Before joining the training centre at Yarrows, Shimla, I was a person who ran away from any sort of adventurous activity. I admit that I am still chickenhearted when it comes to swimming and driving but I'm sure I'll get over it soon.

I wasn't always like this. Spent a good part of my childhood climbing trees and doing all sorts of dangerous stuff. I was not a very popular girl at school, being categorized as a geek and never letting others forget that I was intelligent. I am quite ashamed or my behaviour - I was far too stuck up with things that didn't matter in the end. And I'm really greatful to my mother and my sister for bearing the brunt of it and letting me be whatever I was. There are quite a lot of friends whom I have hurt in that senseless pursuit of perfectionism. I now see the folly of it all. But I was an idiot then. That is the only excuse I really have. I thought too much of myself whereas in reality I was just one among the billions of insignificant human beings.

And then came the disappointment. Suddenly I became a nobody, failing at everything I attempted. If you had seen me then you would have realized what the wors wreck actually means. My friends and family gave me great support though, and but for their love and kindness I wouldn't be the person I am now.

It was like digging a well in a desert where it has not rained for a million years. Even the easiest things became impossible. Self esteem was non-existence. And yet I couldn't show anyone how broken I was. I made up excuses for not meeting people. I just ran and shut myself in.

Then there were those days in Pune. I had a job now, people were extremely friendly, but I had no one to talk to. I used to sit in dreary silence all day long n holidays. My cellphone was the only thing that kept from going mad. My family had a live commentary of my life. I realized that that life was not for me. I was absolutely in the wrong place.

You may not realize it but once you are subjected to too many failures, you become a turtle - tough outside, absolutely delicate inside and a soul that wants solitude. I used to imagine myself to be an eagle but had become a turtle.

When I was asked to join at Shimla, I had my doubts regarding the whole thing. I wondered who my batchmates might be. I had become a very insecure person who did not know how to enjoy life.

Well, I guess quite a few months passed by like that. I realized gradually that the people who seemed quite confident had greater insecurities than me. That the people whom I had admired for their guts had their own share of troubles and were battling their own inner fears, day in and day out.

I developed a very close group of friends who seemed out of control to me initially. They weren't. I would not say that all of them were at peace with themselves - but they let go of their fears more than me and made me do so too.

I remember them making me do paragliding and then rafting in the river Zanskar. They made me jump in the river though I was quite convinced I should not. And then I went for scubadiving on my own accord.

All those things would have seemed meaningless to me a year or two ago. But I realize today that it is when I challenge myself and fight my fears that I grow and become a better person. That my fight is not with any other person, but with my own fear. That I should be afraid not of falling or failing, but of not trying.

And today, I do not seek the glory or the limelight that was once so dear to me. What I want  is to sleep dreamlessly and roam around aimlessly.

My job, my life

People often ask me what I do. I reply "I work in AG's Office." And that usually sets off a long set of questions - what do you do there, how you got the job, etc. The most common question I get asked is if I am taking the exam again. They are usually quite amused when I say no.

My answer has got a lot to do with what I define to be my happiness. I am not very comfortable with excessive limelight or scrutiny. I love to have time for myself to chill out. And I love to be left to my thoughts in solitude. I can be quite neurotic at times.

Government employees too form a bell curve. And I am afraid I would fall in the workaholic category and ruin my life if I were to be in any other service. This service gives me an optimum amount of work that keeps me entertained without going overboard.

My situation reminds me at times of the Mark Twain shory story of a guy who became a monk as he finally found clothes that were not a pain to wear.

But, that dear friends, is me.

And the travel bug bit me...

Have been travelling around these days. I guess being in this service makes you a diehard travel freak one day or the other.

I am at Thrissur right now. This week I managed to see a part of Thrissur Pooram and I feel really privileged.

Roaming around the city is great - there is a greater respect for pedestrians when compared to rest of the state. (Or I'm roaming around in those parts of the city where it is so.) The buildings look magnificent - was impressed by the Public Library building. Autorickshaw drivers are among the most honest ones you can find in the state. And this is a town of temples.

A curious thing happened to me this Sunday. I go to Church regularly on Sundays. This is my first time in Thrissur and I was lost. But true to my internet junkie image, I googled up the nearest church 'Our Lady of Dolores Church' which happens to be the tallest or one of the taller churches in India. So, on Sunday, I go out, hail an auto and ask him to take me to the Dolores Church. He gave me an absolutely confused look. Evidently he didn't know about it. Two autos and a great dealnof explanation later, I gave up and asked the driver to take me to the nearest church. And lo and behold! I was at Our Lady of Dolores Church which is known as 'Puthan Palli' or the new church here. Another church, Lourdes church is called 'Adi Palli' as it has a porton under the ground. Lourdes is older than Dolores Church.

There are two things I need to do here before I leave - visit the Museum and go for shopping.My tour has unexpectedly stretched itself by an extra month and I'm severely underpacked. Thrissur is also known to be a shopping centre for clothing and jewellery. Lets see what lies in store for me.