Thank you friends

Before joining the training centre at Yarrows, Shimla, I was a person who ran away from any sort of adventurous activity. I admit that I am still chickenhearted when it comes to swimming and driving but I'm sure I'll get over it soon.

I wasn't always like this. Spent a good part of my childhood climbing trees and doing all sorts of dangerous stuff. I was not a very popular girl at school, being categorized as a geek and never letting others forget that I was intelligent. I am quite ashamed or my behaviour - I was far too stuck up with things that didn't matter in the end. And I'm really greatful to my mother and my sister for bearing the brunt of it and letting me be whatever I was. There are quite a lot of friends whom I have hurt in that senseless pursuit of perfectionism. I now see the folly of it all. But I was an idiot then. That is the only excuse I really have. I thought too much of myself whereas in reality I was just one among the billions of insignificant human beings.

And then came the disappointment. Suddenly I became a nobody, failing at everything I attempted. If you had seen me then you would have realized what the wors wreck actually means. My friends and family gave me great support though, and but for their love and kindness I wouldn't be the person I am now.

It was like digging a well in a desert where it has not rained for a million years. Even the easiest things became impossible. Self esteem was non-existence. And yet I couldn't show anyone how broken I was. I made up excuses for not meeting people. I just ran and shut myself in.

Then there were those days in Pune. I had a job now, people were extremely friendly, but I had no one to talk to. I used to sit in dreary silence all day long n holidays. My cellphone was the only thing that kept from going mad. My family had a live commentary of my life. I realized that that life was not for me. I was absolutely in the wrong place.

You may not realize it but once you are subjected to too many failures, you become a turtle - tough outside, absolutely delicate inside and a soul that wants solitude. I used to imagine myself to be an eagle but had become a turtle.

When I was asked to join at Shimla, I had my doubts regarding the whole thing. I wondered who my batchmates might be. I had become a very insecure person who did not know how to enjoy life.

Well, I guess quite a few months passed by like that. I realized gradually that the people who seemed quite confident had greater insecurities than me. That the people whom I had admired for their guts had their own share of troubles and were battling their own inner fears, day in and day out.

I developed a very close group of friends who seemed out of control to me initially. They weren't. I would not say that all of them were at peace with themselves - but they let go of their fears more than me and made me do so too.

I remember them making me do paragliding and then rafting in the river Zanskar. They made me jump in the river though I was quite convinced I should not. And then I went for scubadiving on my own accord.

All those things would have seemed meaningless to me a year or two ago. But I realize today that it is when I challenge myself and fight my fears that I grow and become a better person. That my fight is not with any other person, but with my own fear. That I should be afraid not of falling or failing, but of not trying.

And today, I do not seek the glory or the limelight that was once so dear to me. What I want  is to sleep dreamlessly and roam around aimlessly.