My Life, To Hell and Back: Part II

I took the CAT on December 5, 2009. That was the first time it was held online. You know the story - computer crashes, virus attacks, rumours of repeated questions etc. Well, it went well for me. I also took XAT for the second time.

Then there was the long wait for results. I was planning the future course of my life without correctly understanding the meaning of 'Man proposes, God disposes'. My plan was - I would do an MBA, then appear for civil services. I was even thinking of taking a combination of Management and Economics for the Mains after the MBA as it would be easier after the course. My parents had agreed to sponsor my studies, thus obviating the necessity of working after MBA, so that I could appear for the CSE as soon as I passed the final year.

I also remember Joe's, Ammu's and Ranju's futile attempts to cheer me up by inviting me to get-togethers and treats. The only thing I wanted at the time was to be left alone. However, it also greatly comforted me; for it is great to know that your friends are always there for you, no matter how down and out you are. Here is a big, heartfelt THANK YOU to you three and others who tried to elevate my mood by playing to the universal addiction - FOOD!!!

I would have been a textbook case of clinical depression those days if it had not been for the great and wholesome support of my family, my friends and the internet.

My results came. I had scored 99.94 percentile in XAT and 99.77 in CAT. The CAT score was a bit below my expectations. I still do not know how the scaling was done. I got calls from B, K and XLRI. That was some good news after a long, long time.

I between, I had received news that I had qualified for interview in the Engineering Services Examination. I had taken it in my final year at college, at my parents' insistence. The interview was at UPSC in Delhi. Given my track record of 'success' in technical interviews, I was as confident of making it as water can be confident of burning. Still, after the stint at the Academy, even the mere utterance of 'UPSC' invokes awe in me. And so I decided to go. I came to know about the B, K calls while I was in Delhi for the interview. The interview went very well. Especially after the interview board chairman found that he liked me. When I left, I knew that I had fallen in love - with the UPSC, of all things!

To state the truth, after the XAT result had come out, I had joined Career Launcher at Trivandrum for my interview preparation. The person in charge there was Jayesh, an IIM-A alumnus and a former civil service aspirant. When he came to know that I too wanted to join the service, he asked me why I wanted to do MBA. That was a question I had not asked myself after the CAT 2008. It finally occurred to me that after all, my heart may really be no longer in it. I just wanted it as a kind of revenge. And this want of mine was ruining my peace.

We can do right things for the right purpose, wrong things for the right purpose, wrong things for the wrong purpose and right things for the wrong pupose. But doing the right thing for the wrong purpose is the most debasing of all - it essentially robs you of your humanity. I realised that I was searching for happiness in the most unlikeliest of places and in the most improbable way.

I made some friends at CL - Elizabeth and Abdullah Chaudhary ('the shepherd from Andalusia') were the most supportive. They taught me the importance of listening to what my heart was saying - and to go with it. I finally learned to listen to the voice and not the noise. However, my 'passion for revenge' was still blind, and that made me more confused than I ever was. My ESE interview occurred in the midst of this confusion.