A Monologue

I took over as DAG (State Receipt Audit) of Andhra Pradesh on Aug 26, 2013. Quite apprehensive of what the charge entails, I developed a habit of reading in detail every file that came to me. I used to feel quite guilty when I could not read a file in full. It happened as a result of seeing senior officers like Secretaries to the Government of India signing on files that contained absolute falsehoods. Didn't want to end up like them.

I still try to read most of what comes to me. But I acknowledge that it is neither possible nor fruitful to go through the details of all the files that are put up to me. There is just one thing I take comfort in - none of the files I take decision on relates to life-and-death matters. In most cases, I can take time to decide what I want to do - a luxury that is denied to a lot of my fellow civil servants, for various reasons.

There is a burden of guilt that hangs in my heart when my subordinates sit in front of me and try to explain what their reports are about. They have so much more experience than me! I also feel guilty when I go to my AG - she is a great officer and I hope to be like her some day. She unfortunately has to take up a lot of burden because of my 'newness'. Her patience and sense of balance is remarkable.

I have a mix of people in my office - people who are polite yet firm in their opinions and the yes-sayers who will say yes to anything I say. Personally I feel more comfortable with people who will say 'no' to me right away if that is what they feel. I hope I will remain so. People who agree to everything you say are not helping you but giving you a false sense of security and infallibility.

I remember the first day I joined the office. Sitting in the huge office chair behind the huge table in a big  cabin on the first floor of a building dedicated almost entirely to receipt audit. And I was still a kid at heart. I still am trying to grow up and fit in the role that I have been given. But still there is that hopeless wanderlust in me which just wants to run away from the files to a beach, lie down on the sand and look at the sky till twilight and beyond.

Of course, there is no job that pays you for doing nothing. Once one of our Professors had asked us if anyone of us would work if we had enough wealth to let us live without having to work for a living. I found the idea pretty abhorrent at the time. Now, that seems like heaven. However, I have no intention of being a jobless person. I wish I could be a traveller and write travelogues. Or a freelancer. One of those highly elusive talented people whom everyone respects. ;-)

Maybe I will be, one day. Why be a miser with your dreams?